After going halfway home Travis explores themes of authenticity and finding your true self In three journal entries.

14 September 2024, Phuket

One day I will reflect on this moment during my first few days in Phuket, Thailand.

Sitting by the pool, in a quiet hostel, in monsoon season. Rain is falling heavily hitting the water in the pool, it’s how I feel right now. Like raindrops hitting the water’s surface, and the energy that spreads outward in a circular wave forms distinct patterns.

Ripples. My energy has been rippling through the stages of life, starting small and moving outward, looking for a way to learn more about who I am and how to be the most authentic version of myself.

– Travis Kym Cloudy-Hensgen

I have been focusing on moving slowly but still getting things done by being intentional with my energy. It is key to our growth as individuals and as a collective to slow down and be wise with our energy.  

I am in Thailand for introspection; a time to write, contemplate and learn from my past experiences while focusing on living in the present.

I know one thing, being in another country is amazing, but I can appreciate the beauty of the land on which I live and how thankful I am to be connected to my Ancestors from Zenadh Kes (Torres Strait). The act of a deep breath feels fresh but also unfamiliar. I thank the Urak Lawoi people, the First People of this part of Thailand. I will walk barefoot along the ocean to introduce myself to this place today.

I didn't grow up on my land. My father didn't grow up on our land either, which has deeply affected us. With that in mind, how has that affected my authenticity and created insecurity about my story? It sounds crazy to question your own existence but I do. Emotional expression is something I am re-learning. I understand that every joyful or challenging experience shapes me, guiding me closer to the truest, most powerful version of myself.

15 September 2024, Phuket

I started reading Dear Son, a collection of letters shared between First Nations fathers and sons. It sent me on a profound journey into my relationships with my Dad, my Grandfather and myself.

As a child, I was very close to my Dad. He is a Torres Strait Islander man born on Larrakia Country, adopted into a large old-school white family. My Nan Betty played such a big role in raising me, giving me comfort, care and a space to just be me. I loved being with my Nan when I was a child but there was always something that felt different between Dad and I. There was always this sense of disconnection, something unspoken, something missing.

I knew Dad was adopted. He was black and they were white. But “your father was adopted” was never enough of an explanation for what I felt deep inside. There were spiritual differences between us no matter how distant we had been from our culture, it was not just about colour even though my mother is white and I have light skin, I felt the spiritual disconnect. It was like a piece of our culture, the one we were separated from had been buried so deep it became an ache neither of us could name. In a sea of white faces, If I could see Dad’s face with features passed down to me. I felt safe.

Reflecting deeply on my relationship with my Dad; thinking about his upbringing and the hardships he’s had to endure. I’ve come to see him with more compassion and understanding. This has enabled me to make sense of the difficulties I experienced as a mixed-race boy growing up in a small town, trying to fit into a world that didn’t have space for me. It taught me to look at our story, including our pain, with love.

One of my first heartbreaks happened when I was little. I loved playing with Barbie dolls, dreaming of having a dollhouse. With his bare hands, Dad built me one out of wood. For a moment, it felt like magic. But then, the comments “boys don’t play with dolls” became louder. Most of my family said I had to throw the Barbies out, all because I was a boy. I remember how much it hurt, how it felt to have something I loved taken from me just because the world didn't understand.

Son, for us to learn how to improve ourselves and the next generation of men, we can learn from our own feelings - what pleases or hurts us; and what affects how we trust someone. We can do better if we try to be perceptive and use empathy to improve how we relate to others.‍

– Thomas Mayo in his book Dear Son  

This quote reminded me that there is a great lack of emotional expression growing up in this society in many families and that I should approach others with empathy, even those who may have caused me pain. It highlights how important it is to learn from our own emotions and experiences and from the relationships we witness to improve the next generation.

I often reflect on my father and my Pops’ relationship when Dad was growing up. Though I wasn’t there to see those early years, I’ve observed how they interact and its clear emotional expression was missing.

Dad likely never had the opportunity to express the emotional weight he carried. His feelings of loss and his disconnect from family and culture. This made it difficult for me to share my own emotions growing up.

As a young boy, I struggled to navigate my feelings and reactions to the world, particularly because I didn’t fit what was considered “normal” in my small-town upbringing or societal expectations. I was drawn to my feminine energy which often challenged those around me and made my journey even more complex.

– Travis Kym Cloudy-Hensgen

Growing up, being the star footballer was expected, not the star dancer! I was an awkward yet creative kid drawn to music, dance, and storytelling. I was a natural entrepreneur, Dad once brought home a blank canvas for me to paint. That moment sparked something in me. I painted, created and eventually turned my room into a small art studio. Every adult who visited had to pay to walk through my “gallery,” which I made clear that only gold coins were accepted or better yet, notes.

As children, we are our most authentic selves, but life experiences often teach us to shrink or hide parts of who we are just to be accepted. Our egos develop acting as a shield, necessary but sometimes shaped by a fear of rejection and the traumas we face. When we are discouraged from expressing our emotions, we find ways to suppress them. This is why it’s so important to carve out space to reflect on our childhoods with self-compassion and empathy, not just for ourselves, but for others in our stories too.

Through inner work and learning to regulate my emotions, I have continued on the ever-evolving journey to authenticity.

16 September 2024, Phuket

It's a rainy morning in Phuket. I woke up, took time to stretch and started to read about involution - internal evolution.

By turning inward and truly exploring ourselves, we begin to understand why we act the way we do, why we feel the way we feel and where we can find a sense of belonging. To uncover our strengths, we must reflect on the pain we carry and the ways society has shaped us, often pulling us away from our true selves. It’s through confronting these impacts and challenging the beliefs we’ve inherited that we can begin to heal, reclaim our authenticity and embrace the values that align with who we truly are.

The impact of colonisation and capitalism has driven us away from authenticity, spirituality and culture. First Nations people in particular have suffered at the hands of the colony and the land we are connected to is also suffering with us.

– Travis Kym Cloudy-Hensgen

Sitting on the hostel terrace, I take a deep breath of the humid air and visualise the air entering through my nose and filling up my belly. With a deep exhale I can feel my heart start to race, my hands tense up and my forehead starts to get sweaty. I take the time to be aware of this feeling and where it is coming from.

I have a dream to go back to the Torres Strait to visit Ugar, Iama and Erub Islands but my heart hurts to think how the effects of climate change are threatening Island homes. We have staunch organisations like Our Islands Our Home working hard to urge the government to transition away from fossil fuels and hold the government accountable for the global climate crisis.

Embracing the journey to our true selves is vital now more than ever! Together we have the power to create real change. Starting with inward growth, we can direct our energy to causes affecting our entire communities.  

– Travis Kym Cloudy-Hensgen

I look out from the deck at the heavy rain hitting the lush green landscape around me and I take three slow deep breaths into my belly and with slow exhales to release any tension. For a long time, I struggled to channel my energy into the things that truly mattered to me. Instead, it was consumed by feelings of disconnection from my family, the grip of addiction and the weight of a co-dependent relationship. It’s important to recognise that the space to pause, rest, reflect and discover who you are isn’t something everyone has access to. For so many, survival leaves no room for self-discovery.

That’s why those of us who can be on this journey, must honour it. We must use our energy intentionally, not only to heal ourselves but to serve our communities and uplift those around us in the best ways we can.

Self-acceptance and love are radical and political; it is how we can regain our power by finding new ways to connect to mind, body and spirit. There are endless ways to work through your layers through meditation, yoga, therapy, journaling, reconnecting with culture, sitting on Country and giving yourself space in the chaos to delve deep within but with an understanding that our struggles and trauma are not who we are; they are a part of our story but they do not define us.

The word for this trip is 'AUTHENTIC'

Being authentic isn’t about always being happy, avoiding conflict, or living without mistakes. It’s about the raw, often messy journey of understanding how and why you move through the world as you do.

It’s about uncovering the practices that allow you to hold compassion for every part of yourself in the joy, the pain and everything in between. When you become conscious of who you are, you can connect deeper with your mind, body and spirit.

This deep connection to self becomes the foundation for how we grow in relationships, understand our individual needs and connect with others and our communities all helping us to embody the most authentic versions of who we are.